chibiabos (chibiabos) wrote in woundedpaws,

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I guess I'm the first poster here. Thanks to krazy_neko for creating this community I think has been needed for some time.

Its late at night and I have to be up early to help my sister (a Katrina refugee) move in to this small house with our folks and myself in addition to expecting a full day at work tomorrow so I apologize for brevity. Usually I am very long-winded ...

To cut to the chase, I was sexually assaulted by one fur (whom I was not in a relationship with), emotionally abused by three others I was in relationships with as well as physically abused by two of those three. I've known and recognized the abuse in the relationships since the end of each, but its only very recently I've overcome denial that I was also sexually assaulted about 6 years ago.

I do suffer depression and anxiety (both professionally dx'd but untreated), but they're lifelong problems I've had and not caused by the abuse ..... the combination of the abuse, however, and these problems makes life very difficult, at times excruciating for me. I am unable to keep a job, unable to take care of myself ... I had to move back in with my folks finally two and a half years ago and am struggling with a part time job (have been unable to get full-time work) and, until a few days ago, struggling to continue my education (but that door's been fully slammed in my face now :/ ... more on that later if anyone's curious or read about it in my own LJ).

I know there are quite a few in the 'furry community' who scream and shout against anything they label as 'furry drama.' Some of them believe depression isn't real, doesn't exist, and anyone who feels depressed can snap out of it anytime they want ... some of them believe anyone who suffers abuse deserved to be and they were looking for someone to abuse them ... some of them believe its all made up and feel any fur who cries, expresses suicidal thoughts or tries to vent or seek sympathy is someone just putting on an act to get attention.

With the experiences I've had, those people tend to be the abusers or at least share many traits with abusers. Its not obvious, there's no badge they get to identify them as evil ..... I think for those who went through the abuse as I did, the abusers don't know they are abusing. They refuse to see what they do as hurtful or wrong, they are badly out of touch with their own emotions ... if you're in a relationship, they'll scream and shout they don't care about you, that you're worthless, that they want you dead and they don't love you nor have any feelings for you .... but even if they break up with you, if you find attachment with someone else, they suddenly become violently jealous and possessive and beg for you to return to them.

Not all are abusers themselves, but they all tend to share the traits of not being in touch with inner emotions, giving a facade of being shallow in feeling, but if you ever get in deeper, more tender levels, you can get more of a sense of their emotional depth than they are. Some build up very strong shells between their inner and outer feelings, and some are able to keep themselves in control to an extent ..... but they're all pretty much on the same side of the tracks.

I cry. I hurt. I go through phases where suicide is on my mind as it has been the past few days. I can't get my life together. I do need help ... but I am very afraid.

I hope others join this community can be my shoulder to cry on, to hear my whimpers, and in return I offer mine. *hugs to all*

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